Full Article: www.manrepeller.com/2014/05/teeth-whitening.html
You know that episode of Friends, “The One with Ross’ White Teeth?” He leaves whitening gel on for an entire day in order to impress his date, and the result is so extreme that Chandler asks Ross what was wrong with his old “human” teeth.
I, on the other hand, thought the color of his grill looked great. Like Chicklets. There’s just something about blindingly white chompers that makes me feel better, like having a bit of a tan, or a good hair day. I’m sure it’s some sort of Hollywood mind-infiltration — that elusive Movie Star Smile — but if I can’t have the legs of a waxed Zac Efron, then dammit, I want my teeth Ross-Geller-white.
When I decided (with 3 days to spare) that my teeth were to be my best birthday party accessory, I needed to call in The Big Guns. In Manhattan, The Big Guns is a man named Dr. Marc Lazare who had the best selection of movies to watch, not to mention calming bedside manner, an all-access NETFLIX pass and a lovely set of his own white teeth.
I’d try to set one of you guys up with him if I knew his marital status.
He explained the procedure to me, I didn’t really pay attention, and then the teeth whitening process began. It was 3 sets of 15 minute Philips Zoom action, where I reclined like a diva with this thing that pulled my mouth open as though I were making a face at someone on the subway. I watched a movie, did some texting, and I left with teeth so white that I stopped 5th avenue traffic. BA-LING.
Here’s where I messed up: I immediately had coffee, and then later, red wine.
Here’s where Dr. Lazare saved me: teeth whitening trays! It was a DIY that I could handle, and due to my teeths-o-steel I experienced almost zero sensitivity. (“Zingers” are normal — a sharp shooting “WTF!” moment for your teeth. Luckily, this only happened once and then I carried on.)
Two weeks later and I’m still receiving compliments on how white and bright my teeth are. A stranger asked if they were natural so I lied and said yes. She was impressed. Would I do it again? 100%, but not until my next birthday. You know, just to avoid any awkward makeouts in black-lit rooms.